Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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