just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
