Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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