i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
