New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Drunk is not a location!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
