Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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