I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
