do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
