Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
