Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
