You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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