Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
