I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
FUCK WHALES
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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