After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
