someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
