??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
