party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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