the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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