He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
