Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
