Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
