what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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