Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
