I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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