Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
