"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
