mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
