we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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