when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
