Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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