Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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