she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
