my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
