I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
