I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
