i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
