dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
