where are you?
Hypothermia
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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