why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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