my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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