Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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