How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
babies were throwing up all over the place
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish i was in the wii world.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
