Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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