Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
