if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
