Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
