Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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