I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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