but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
