It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sex on roller skates
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?