if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you need anything just hit me up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.