she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
