I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
