so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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