I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
