I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
