help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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