i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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